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I keep seeing the word “hope” everywhere lately. Sitting in the lobby of my chiropractor’s office, I google the definition and feel my heart open up. Expectation and desire, help or save, grounds for believing something good may happen, a feeling of trust. All of these are beautiful but that last one breaks a world open within me. A feeling of trust. I sigh, thinking about how sweet it is when I feel that elusive feeling: trust. Then I sigh thinking of all the things I know I’ve done hoping I could attain a feeling of trust in myself, in my reality, in god again.
I don’t remember exactly when I lost it, but I know that at some point my broke open so wide that one half couldn’t see the other. They’ve been trying to close the distance and become one again ever since. Through expectation and desire, through trying to help and save, through breaking ground and breaking beliefs that something good may or may not ever happen, I’ve held hope that they could finding each other again. Hoping for the restoration of a fundamental trust in god.
On a long, rainy drive a few days later I turn on the radio to drown out the grief of lost hope. An ad says, “don’t lose hope”. It’s about tax relief services. But I’m an astrologer, so I hear that as a reminder not to lose hope as I descend from the hopefulness of the ninth house into the death of my old self in the eighth. Is there a relief service for this existential pain? Isn’t that the “hope” that so many of us get obsessed with? That there could be something that will eventually end all of the pain? Fear might be the mind killer, but hoping for the end of the pain of incarnation is the heart killer. That kind of hope overextends us into a reality that can never be. The consequences feel like what happens when you bend the body in ways it’s not meant to do: it breaks.
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