The Resurrection of the Sovereign Self

The medicine is what is created in the space between the dream and the wound.

The Moon, waning its way out of eclipses, is at the final degree of scorpio as I write. That’s 29 degrees.

Mercury, recently direct, is at 29 degrees of pisces finishing a story it started in February.

And Mars, who has slowly been making their way forward from their retrograde since late February, is at 29 degrees of cancer.

The Moon, Mercury, and Mars are all at the final degree of the three water signs, forming what we call a Grand Trine.

A Grand Trine is a triangle— wound, medicine, dream.

It’s been the year anniversary of a shocking event in which I encountered a Final Boss on my journey of healing from domination, control, abuse, and abandonment. I feel like I was doing pretty fucking well before a spiritual teacher attempted a spiritual marriage with me that demanded things such as eating, speaking, fucking, and working how they saw fit. They took me all the way into the underworld, stripped down and hung on a hook like Venus just was, and would have left my spirit there for dead.

But much like love protected Harry Potter from Voldemorts killing curse, love was protecting me. And much like every journey to the underworld it wasn’t a digression but a necessary reclamation.

I spent 6 weeks in the underworld until the solar eclipse in aries and the clearing winds of my Mother Oya came to set me free. It was one of the most difficult experiences of my life. I was a shell of myself when all was said and done. But somehow, I said and did exactly what needed to be done to extricate myself from a situation where once again, someone else wanted to take ownership of my light and my power.

I say “somehow” but I know exactly how. I had been building up the muscle for years, practicing in lower stakes situations that were still traumatizing but liberating of their own accord, until someone so like my stepfather came along and transported me all the way to the root of what I had to confront within myself to be free of still wanting to prove to Daddy that I could take every kind of hell so he would deem me worthy and love me.

I’m not saying this is how it has to be for everyone— from what I’ve observed, it absolutely does not, but this is how it has been for me. These are the experiences that shape what I share and how I teach because I know what it is to realize that there is subconscious material running your life when you think you’re safe from the past.

The truth is, you haven’t even begun to really understand, accept, and release it until you begin to feel it.

If you’re a consistent reader of mine then you’re probably the kind of person who has heard about “feeling your feelings”. You’re also probably someone who is learning how to allow that because it seems fucking excruciating, terrifying, and undesirable. It’s part of why you appreciate that I write my way through my own because then you can self-recognize and maybe even experience a sensation moving through your body, facilitated by the touch of these words.

It’s interesting to think about how we understand that trauma is the energy that stays in the body due to an experience, but we can still be unwilling to acknowledge that everything is energy. It sounds too abstract or simplistic. But experienced energetic and emotional jedis know better.

Trust me, there’s nothing abstract about realizing that part of the reason you not only encounter but tend to tolerate the passive aggressive bullies in your social sphere is because you never got to cry about your pre-K bully yelling at you that your idea was stupid and she should be in charge. Or that your childhood best friend was someone who insisted and ensured you remained her sidekick, controlling how you behaved and what you liked when she was around well up into your teens.

Everything is energy and every wound creates concentric circles of meaning and identity around it, layers and layers of energy that couldn’t possibly be worked through one by one, but can be consolidated into their core or origin point if you have the skills or know someone who has the skills to guide you there.

It’s not abstract work to get to the heart of your most persistent patterns of unnecessary suffering and even repeated danger, but once you allow the sensation underneath the story of who you are or what was done to arise, it feels like there is a simplicity to the act of release.

Birthing a new awareness of your inner world can be painful but just like everything that gives birth on this planet, you’re designed to do it.

Birthing a new world will be painful but just like everything that gives birth on this planet, your soul already knows what to do.

Birthing a new world will require the Death of the Survival Self who is clinging to unprocessed pain as a protective shield because that can never truly protect you.

Allow the pain to be felt and the Survival Self to be buried and you may return 3 days later to find that the tomb is empty and you have risen again, this time as the son of god— the Sovereign Self.